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A Tale of Sadness & Love

TransA morning when I was myself struggling through some of issues in my life. I chose to put it aside for some while and go out to have a chill with my friends. Even when the time was pre-planned, I got out from home early so that I could spend some time with myself. I was commuting via Delhi Metro.

I wasn’t in my Best moods so, I got ready as if it were the best day of my life. I put on my Eyeliner, Mascara, Lipstick, wore a nice Colourful dress to look very jolly, which somehow made me feel better. It sometimes works, it’s just like when you are sad, you force yourself to smile ’til it eventually makes you feel better. ‘Fake until you make it’.

It was Ladies’ Compartment. After a few stations, I realised someone along my side was talking to someone sitting just in front of me. So I could see her expressions which I didn’t find much agreeable. So I paused the track I was listening to, to get the idea of what was happening.

I realised there was a Neuter sitting beside my seat, she was asking for the Route to the other Girl. However, The Girl didn’t know the Route to INA Market. Actually, the girl was maybe a little scared too, that’s how I felt through her expressions. Also, the funny part was she was complimenting her in weird ways. She said- “You look pretty, you better go into films, leave your studies, and When you’ll come into movies, I will be proud to see you and call myself a sister of a Movie Actor”.

shutterstock_168955373-605x400All this was quite funny because of the tone of her voice and manner in which she was speaking but also quite scary because we all have been taught by our parents, societies to be at a little distance from Neuters. The reasons that they give us are one too many like they would say- They are not good people! Or they might say- They have a very different community than ours and the best bet is to stay far from them. Obviously the Kids of our age need reasoning and logic. When the parents aren’t able to feed us logic, they frighten us by telling weird stories. They tell us that the Neuter Community abducts teenagers and injects them with hormones to turn them into a neuter as well. Or they tell us how cruel, shameless they are, they can do anything for money and if not given, they insult people in the worst possible way.

All these little stories have created a bad reputation of this less-respected Community. These sharp words have subconsciously created an outlook amongst us all. The Hijras are not respected by any. It is only at the time of a birth of a baby that they are welcomed in houses to give blessings to the new born and gifted with lots of money and jewellery. The sole time when they’re welcomed.

Coming back to the incident, she also started to stare me, and saying all those things to me too about trying for Movies. To which I lightly replied- “I am not that good-looking to qualify as an actress and also I would, but my parents want me to study.” She was exceedingly extrovert. She was indulging in small talks with everyone in the compartment. The Girls, Ladies, she started to joke with everybody. She complimented everybody in the coach, speaking in a very funny manner and comical accent. She even persuaded a girl to call her husband to talk to him on phone. Can you believe that? She talked to her husband and said— “Why don’t you marry me and I Love you etcetera”. I found it extremely comical.  After talking to her husband she blessed them. In India, the blessings of Hijras are considered very significant. She didn’t ask her for money, but the lady gave her a hundred which somehow made an obligation for others to pay her too. They all started giving her some money. I really couldn’t understand why despite denying so much, she started to accept money then. This one thing kept me confused for days and I couldn’t make a heads or tails about it honestly. Anyway, the route thing I knew about.

I knew the route so I explained her the metro route. But she couldn’t understand so I thought that I should help her as I had some extra time to be at the meet-up. I took her along with me to the upper floor, where from we had to board the train. We were talking all this time, I asked her about her life, she told me her childhood story how her mother didn’t want to give her up despite her being the other gender. She said, with sadness within her, “There’s nobody like a Mother. A Mother never wants to lose her child despite all the flaws that the child may have. She’ll accept her even after knowing the hardships that they’ll have to face. She said the Societies create more problem than family does.” I was completely in her agreement. There was a sense of dissatisfaction in her that I noticed. But she was still encouraging me to study and told me to never let anybody discourage and dominate me. Yes, these were her words, after not being able to study, because of the differences. She is encouraging me to study. Also she was telling me about the Dharma-Maa that she had. The Dharma-Maa is one who nurtures you like a Mother but she’s not your biological Mother. Hers was the head of the Hijra Community of their region. She told me how she used to let her study when it wasn’t allowed by their community to touch books. Every day she would study in a park and then bury the books under the bulky tree. This hustle was continued for a couple of years. But she was sad as she couldn’t continue her education after 8th standard. She wanted to but after that, even her Maa couldn’t support her Education. Do you feel how depressing it must be for this community to quit education?

She told me how she misses her family & her home in which she was born. She said she’s very unlucky to have been born like that otherwise she could spend her life with her family with complete right and dignity. She told me that not a day passes without her yearning for her family. She misses them endlessly. I could just feel her, I tried to console her a bit. I really hope that nobody suffers from this pain yet want that everybody feels this pain, only then, we can all be empathic with the less-fortunate.

She kept on telling me how she envies us all because we have a family to live with. People have a spouse and children. She was sad that she can never get all this. We get to hang-out with our friends and family. We get to go out anywhere with complete liberty without being eyed but if Hijras are roaming around, they are being eyed and judged.

What next? We talked some more about Love. She complimented me and said – “you’re very pretty, you must have an ardent lover.” I said no promptly. Because of the conflicts in my love life, I wanted to evade this subject called LOVE. I did have a boyfriend but we had been going through some tough times and we were not able to get along lately so I decided to continue only as friends. Obviously I didn’t explain my complicated love to her. I simply said— “I do have someone who loves me but I don’t love him”. It must be mere coincidence that she cut me and said— “No, you’re lying, you love him”. I was amazed because the truth I was hiding, she understood or maybe it was a mere chance she said so. I told her about how self-sufficient I was and I needed nobody to be with me. She was almost in tears when I said that.

She expressed her desire of true love in her life, her wants to be with someone who would accept her in the way Lord has created her and love her. She needed someone to listen to her problems, to talk about absolutely nothing, to care for her choices, someone who would be there for her, someone who would love to kiss her, someone who would fight for her, who would respect her, someone she would love to care about. I was nodding with her words & said—“Just the feeling that someone is there for you is the best feeling in the world.” We both could relate. Listening to this, we both had our eyes wet. She simply asked me to love him back if the relationship is worth it as Love is a very beautiful feeling. I nodded.

She was so distressed. Her only wish was to be one amongst us, only if she were born as a man or a woman. She wishes that could happen. “I’m not happy with this life of begging. Where we are not involved in any societal meets, not respected. I wish I could also study like a normal person to change the way how our community is treated,” she said. I encouraged her that she can still do it.

I was thinking of ways to console her but knowing the hardships that she has to face every day, the struggle, it was difficult for me to find words. I still tried by saying— “Don’t worry, whatever happens, happens for good, you just believe in God.” She was a bit relaxed now. The magic wasn’t in me or my words, I didn’t do much to calm her; the true magic was in just Listening. I’m glad that I just could listen to her and if not solve her problems, just lessen her mental burden.

Finally, her destination arrived, I dropped her, and we said our byes. She went, but her thoughts lingered on. I was constantly thinking about her, her struggles. I was wondering how the world can embrace them. What things should change etcetera. Total Utopianism, attainable or not. I prayed for her and the community. I also started to think about reconciling with my beloved. I was thinking on how I should make up for the things gone wrong in our relationship, how I should fill the gaps. Well, I started my efforts, it took me a while. It was hard at first, but things turned smooth as this was what we both wanted. We settled all the differences one by one and eventually our relationship turned stronger than ever. May be the problems were important to strengthen our relationship. And the realization of its importance was equally necessary.

And about her, I’m worried. Because of her being too talkative and extrovert, I felt traces of depression in her. I would be happier if my observation turns out wrong. I hope she’s well. We all should do our bit to make them feel home whenever we see them. Just a mild smile would do, I really request people to not look this community with an evil eye. They’re just as humans as we are. They’re God’s creation as we are, only a bit different.

P.S. Next time you see one of them, Do them a Favor— JUST SMILE  (^_^)

 

 

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I was born BLACK but I didn’t know it

BlackI was born Black but I didn’t know it. I was my Daddy’s cute little girl. My Daddy! He loved my hair, he used to arrange them every day, be it ponytails or braids. Tickling and Games, my childhood was all about it. One word can summarise my childhood and that is Happiness.

I never saw a Mirror, never needed to. I was the prettiest and the most beautiful girl as my Daddy called me. Then I became a teenager, the time of tonnes of changes, biological, physical, mental, loads of them. The time of fragility and abysmal confusion. The people started commenting on my looks, told me that my skin was not white, not pure.

I never knew the difference between the white and black skin. The only way I could distinguish people was their acquaintance or relationship with me. There were people I know in one group and the ones I didn’t know in the other. That was it, there were no further classifications with their color, class, religion, caste as a base.

With each day, the number of comments was rising, I was becoming a mess. I got confused between the notion of Daddy and that of the society. Daddy called me the prettiest and now people are eying me and calling me Black. He was not there anymore, couldn’t ask him too.

black1With new and different comments, weird and awkward stares, strange insecurities were being born in me every day. I couldn’t believe it, I didn’t want to believe that my black skin was not pretty. But bit by bit, the strange insecurities about the skin, color, lips broke the belief. The belief of being the Daddy’s Most Beautiful Girl broke.

I got to know the difference finally. I was uncomfortable in my skin now. I was ashamed of being black now. They forced me to be ashamed of my black skin. Each day was a sin after the realisation. It took me days to chuck it.

I started to put makeup, layers of it. Primer, Concealer, foundation, highlighter, kohl, mascara and Tone Enhancing, Fairness Creams at night. I thought it’ll be okay now. I felt good in the beginning when my kith and kin complimented me. It gave me a satisfaction. I felt happy, really happy. Months and years passed. My obsession for makeup also rose. I couldn’t picturise myself without makeup anymore. It became my identity, the outer one at least. I got dependent on it. It became my drug.

But one night, I was removing my makeup, I removed the Kohl first, it got smudged and smeared. Then I took the cleansing wipe, rubbed it on my lips. The bold red lips became dull, lifeless at once. I panicked a bit. I folded the wipe, started to clean my face. I could see, stroke by stroke, the two juxtaposing skin tones. I was horrified. I can’t explain the feeling, what I felt that very moment, suddenly there was a tear in my eye. I wiped it, cleansed and washed my face and went to bed. I tried to sleep but I wasn’t able to.

I was confused about this incident for many months. I was losing my sleep. There was this identity crisis in me after all of it that I was neither able to embrace my natural shade, be comfortable with it or wear it publically nor I was able to be happy in my artificial shade, I was wearing it to work but I wasn’t feeling myself anymore.

Then to worsen it, one day, while I was checking Instagram, I saw a white women’s post. It said-“BAN MAKEUP and FAIRNESS CREAM”. I was angry, sad, happy, worried, optimistic, and pessimistic in a single moment. Can you believe it?

Angry! As why a white woman is posting it, she’s not black, she doesn’t feel us then how did she get the right to post it.

Sad! As I was already disturbed about my skin. I thought if this should happen what would I do without makeup? How would I see myself without these products?

Happy as at least someone thought of it, a woman thought of it despite she’s white, she cared enough for others. She wants others to feel beautiful with whatever God has gifted them with.

Worried! I was worried how will I go out, in such a dull and lifeless skin. What would others think of me if they see me like so?

Optimistic! I thought maybe if there are no products, everyone will eventually accept their natural beauty despite the differences and the diversity. After all, we all are the same, all humans, we all have eyes, ears, mouth, lips, brain, heart etc. Maybe the world will embrace the black and white alike now.

Pessimistic! What if this all was a bubble, my bubble of hope. What if this all was my imagination while the reality might be unfavorable? What if the world refuses to believe in black, denies their rights and opportunities. What if we’re all left out.

black1Yes, all these thoughts in a couple of seconds. My head was all about it, and it started to pain because all these feelings were shouting, having arguments and fights with each other. It was a Brain War.

I was messed up beyond words that night. I took a pill and tried to catch some Zs. I slept with a wet pillow. The pill put me to sleep.

Luckily, I had a good dream that night. In my dream, there was a different world, an animated and a really beautiful one. I saw chocolate rivers, colorful trees. Some trees had candies hung on them. Some had cupcakes while others had star shaped fairy lights hung on them. On one side, there was this huge fall, from which strawberry shake was falling. The people’s face were teddy like, had a cherry-like nose. There were big mansions made of waffles which also had noodle shaped curtains on their glass panes. There were statues of chocolate, ice-cream filled ponds. Pasta shaped ducks and all cute little animals. Surprisingly, all the teddies looked alike. A huge bell rang in a while, at the centre of the beautiful Garden. Suddenly all the teddies sat on the green grass for lunch. They held each other’s hand and made a big circle, leaving no one behind. All sat and had lunch circled by small puppies and kittens, they also joined for lunch.

The speciality of this very time was the way they all sat for the feast. Their regular meal was a feast each day. They were so happy and joyous. Each one of them started to feed others with their plate. Each one was filled up with not just food but love. The cute animals were not left alone either. What an adorable scene that was! I wish I could capture it on my phone. Suddenly played the Beep! Beep! My alarm played and woke me up.

I woke up with a smile on my face. I remembered each scene of my dream, so clearly and vividly. I was in awe of it. I was happy about it, the dream fed me some positivity, and a long lost one. I went to the park, bathed, ate my breakfast and got ready for work.

I did not wear makeup that day, it was hard but I didn’t. I tied my hair and went for work. Some colleagues questioned on why looked so dull. To which I replied—“I look real.” Some appreciated while others chose to whisper and laugh. I won’t say it was easy. It was bold, you know, doing something unafraid, indifferent to the consequences. I did it or maybe I didn’t. This was daddy’s pretty girl who did it.

The wicked and surprised eyes disappointed me a little at first. But the impression of the dream was not that weak that I would be hurt by those stone pelted at me anymore.

Instead, the second time I chose to fire back at the ones who came and commented on my skin. I chose to bomb kind words wrapped in sarcasm with a smirking smile on my face. I could see them almost dying as they couldn’t make me insecure anymore. I saw that dissatisfaction in their eyes when they saw my proud eyes. I wish I knew this cycle in my teenage. Comments if not answered turn into our own insecurities while also powering the perpetrators.

Anyway, I was not looking for an acceptance anymore. I accepted myself entirely that day. Isn’t there much more to me, my life than the shade of my flesh?

Problems never last so does satisfaction. I was pondering over a cup of java that what if I had not seen that Instagram post that day? What if I had not cared for my dull lips and different shades that day? What if my daddy never called me beautiful? What if I hadn’t had that dream morning?

I could be happy in my flesh once again, the way nature made me, the way my family loved and accepted me. But what about the others? Who are as black as I yet with golden but fragile hearts? What sequence is designed by the nature to make them believe in their skin again? What if they don’t see that post or have that dream?

What ifs are tonnes but so are the what now’s. We all should be that human to at least someone that betters their life directly or indirectly. I want to inspire many by this small tale. But I’m not going to say Ban Makeup or Ban Fairness Cream.

I would go and shout out loud—“BAN THE INSECURITY”. I would teach the trick to silent the commenters. I’m going to teach the blacks to educate the racists and pity their limited thinking.

I would teach the teenagers how the color palette is incomplete and somehow blank with just white and alone without the black.

The world is also the color palette of the Lord whose colors are white, black and so many others and his arts are equally colorful. If God wasn’t partial to his color palette, who gave humans the right to criticise his art pieces?

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The Dark Sky and the clouds are as optimistic as the Grey Skies

Dark Skies are as optimistic as the Grey is (3)

The Dark Sky and the clouds are as optimistic as the grey sky.

The Silver Line above the cloud is so optimistic but trust me, the black clouds are equally or maybe more optimistic than the clear beautiful sky.

The grey clouds that tend to dim the lights of the sun, but only those clouds don’t let the sun’s light to diverge in the vastness of earth and then in these beautiful movements of the clouds, only once in a while, you do see a bright ray of light as perfect as the lord.

The ray with a sharp piercing focus, beautiful line running downstairs like that beautiful angel in white but with the vividness of a thousand rainbows.

Dark Skies are as optimistic as the Grey is (1)

Then there is the dark sky that seems to yell spells and curses but only in some time we are able to decipher the spells when it rains and beautifully dampens the dry earth, extracting aromas and auras and spreading it all around. Only the dark skies have the ability to rain on earth and the people. The rain that’s purer than the purest water on the mother earth.

In only the dark clouds, the thunderstorms, when lightning strikes the earth and makes so loud sounds; people are more silent and enjoying the nature’s play while looking at the power of it, in awe of nature.

When it rains, the purity of water dilutes all the negativity in the people and fills them with gaiety. They are always joyful when it rains.

“A clear sky never rains” is what they say and they never said it wrong.

So, Cheers to the Grey & Dark Clouds.

 

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My modesty is my pride…

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My modesty is my Pride. I am not a modest I choose to be one. I choose to be proud at me in silence than exaggerating or publicizing myself in front of everybody.

My silence is my dignity, my pride. Because I’d be judged if I speak, I’d be judged if I don’t. So I’d let my silence be the reason of your judgment and your judgments be the reason of my silence and an insight of you to me.

 

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We dont cry b’coz we’ve Problems but…

We dont Cry becausePeople don’t cry because they have problem, but when they can’t find the solutions or they don’t have just an ear that lack any filter of bias, pre-judgments, past-experiences.

We’re so vulnerable today that we just can’t express our feelings clearly to ourselves, let alone others. We are always confused, baffled below the earth’s clear sky.

We’re so lonely today that we just prefer to spend two hours in front of a screen today that opens the windows to the world but first slyly shuts the doors of our life—shuts for even our closest relationships in life than going out of this virtual life’s door to explore the reality.

We dont Cry because 2The screen that delivers the news and knowledge of the world in a few seconds but fails to understand the feelings. So the vulnerable soul that seek knowledge unknowingly abandons their heart. In seek of knowledge, they banish themselves from their confidants, their soul-buddies, their soul-buddies

And when problems hit us, where do we go to seek the apt solution, a kind advice? Can a screen tell us the solution perfectly apt for us, pertaining to our personal, emotional or maybe economic circumstances?

The screen that arouses the curiosity fails to find and give the peace the 24×7 working human-mind deserves. It takes it the outer world but fails to let the human learn of the inner universe it possesses. It plays the sounds of the world, but distant the body from the music and rhythm of the soul.

What we had in the past is what we need today more than ever! The social company, the gatherings, of the family and friends, eating dinner on a phone-proof table where we are just conscious of the ‘now’, not worried about anything or even if worried, we’ll have our kith and kin to share our worries with.

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My life is just like my diary…

GoSolo (2)My life is just like my diary. Few pages are filled completely, the others blank. All the pages have their own rhymes to recite, own tempo, own highs and lows.
Some pages have a horror story written on them, I regret to have those because I was both, the writer and the protagonist.
While some pages have a story- What if Story? These are the pages I couldn’t fill up well but I wish I could.

Then some pages are the doodles- the ones I made in leisure, whose meanings I don’t know or the relevance of those to the person I was that moment of my life.

“My life is just like my diary”. Some pages filled, some blank but it’s a beautiful diary and it’s my diary.

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In this realm, you are my Immortal Reality

pexels-photo-196666While I was too busy idolizing someone else’s relationship, marking Couple Goals; You were too occupied making ours the perfect one. You were not marking the goals, but creating couple goals for others.

The Couple I idolized broke up a long ago, & we are, wherever we are, because of you. To say, I am lucky to have you is an understatement. I’m content that in this realm of ours, our small little utopia, you are my immortal reality.

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I weave my thoughts & me

pexels-photo-185939You talk on phone every night,
While sharing the bed with me,
It was my right to be your 3 AM Friend,
My right to know how your day went,
My right to know how things were,
My right to know what you’ve felt.
We kiss in the morning before you leave,
I spend the day trying to weave,
My thoughts & me,

Trying to figure out what’s wrong in me,  pexels-photo-299863
I’m the one you kissed at the altar,
The one you swore to love forever.
Now I see your love sparing apart,
It’s just a burden that you’re carrying far.
You left my heart broken down,
Treated my feelings like a clown.
You doubt my love if I confront,
& leave the room shouting loud

Are we going to stay together?
Or I’ll be alone,
Because I don’t have someone on the phone.
For me, it was just you,
You’re my always & forever.
I feel so low of me, shattered & stressed
To you, how do I express?
My love for you will always be the same,
But my trust in love is falling apart.
We see each other in eyes,
You look more boldly than I,
I tried to find shame in your eyes,
I couldn’t, you’re too arrogant for that
For you, my dark circles matter more,
Because you’ve forgotten to see through my soul.
You never asked me how I got these,
Ask yourself, you’ll know it’s you & she.
I laugh at the whole thing
With a tear in my eyes,
I say I don’t care, but I do
& I don’t know, what to do
My friends ask me about our conjugal life,
I’ve a doubt if you still consider me your wife,
I have to fake things up &
Make new stories
I don’t want them to feel sorry
I don’t even want you to feel sorry
I want you to be what you were
I still have the power to forget,
& carry on like we were.
I want to leave you the next morning every night,
But your kiss makes me feel everything is just right
I wait for you all day,
Thinking tonight will be different
& then I wait for you all night,
While you’re busy with her.
Or some nights that you come home,
You’re too stressed & irritated from work & me
Every time I smell her cologne on your clothes,
I want to question you, but I don’t
& Then every Night, I want to leave
But the next day, I weave my thoughts & me.