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A Tale of Sadness & Love

TransA morning when I was myself struggling through some of issues in my life. I chose to put it aside for some while and go out to have a chill with my friends. Even when the time was pre-planned, I got out from home early so that I could spend some time with myself. I was commuting via Delhi Metro.

I wasn’t in my Best moods so, I got ready as if it were the best day of my life. I put on my Eyeliner, Mascara, Lipstick, wore a nice Colourful dress to look very jolly, which somehow made me feel better. It sometimes works, it’s just like when you are sad, you force yourself to smile ’til it eventually makes you feel better. ‘Fake until you make it’.

It was Ladies’ Compartment. After a few stations, I realised someone along my side was talking to someone sitting just in front of me. So I could see her expressions which I didn’t find much agreeable. So I paused the track I was listening to, to get the idea of what was happening.

I realised there was a Neuter sitting beside my seat, she was asking for the Route to the other Girl. However, The Girl didn’t know the Route to INA Market. Actually, the girl was maybe a little scared too, that’s how I felt through her expressions. Also, the funny part was she was complimenting her in weird ways. She said- “You look pretty, you better go into films, leave your studies, and When you’ll come into movies, I will be proud to see you and call myself a sister of a Movie Actor”.

shutterstock_168955373-605x400All this was quite funny because of the tone of her voice and manner in which she was speaking but also quite scary because we all have been taught by our parents, societies to be at a little distance from Neuters. The reasons that they give us are one too many like they would say- They are not good people! Or they might say- They have a very different community than ours and the best bet is to stay far from them. Obviously the Kids of our age need reasoning and logic. When the parents aren’t able to feed us logic, they frighten us by telling weird stories. They tell us that the Neuter Community abducts teenagers and injects them with hormones to turn them into a neuter as well. Or they tell us how cruel, shameless they are, they can do anything for money and if not given, they insult people in the worst possible way.

All these little stories have created a bad reputation of this less-respected Community. These sharp words have subconsciously created an outlook amongst us all. The Hijras are not respected by any. It is only at the time of a birth of a baby that they are welcomed in houses to give blessings to the new born and gifted with lots of money and jewellery. The sole time when they’re welcomed.

Coming back to the incident, she also started to stare me, and saying all those things to me too about trying for Movies. To which I lightly replied- “I am not that good-looking to qualify as an actress and also I would, but my parents want me to study.” She was exceedingly extrovert. She was indulging in small talks with everyone in the compartment. The Girls, Ladies, she started to joke with everybody. She complimented everybody in the coach, speaking in a very funny manner and comical accent. She even persuaded a girl to call her husband to talk to him on phone. Can you believe that? She talked to her husband and said— “Why don’t you marry me and I Love you etcetera”. I found it extremely comical.  After talking to her husband she blessed them. In India, the blessings of Hijras are considered very significant. She didn’t ask her for money, but the lady gave her a hundred which somehow made an obligation for others to pay her too. They all started giving her some money. I really couldn’t understand why despite denying so much, she started to accept money then. This one thing kept me confused for days and I couldn’t make a heads or tails about it honestly. Anyway, the route thing I knew about.

I knew the route so I explained her the metro route. But she couldn’t understand so I thought that I should help her as I had some extra time to be at the meet-up. I took her along with me to the upper floor, where from we had to board the train. We were talking all this time, I asked her about her life, she told me her childhood story how her mother didn’t want to give her up despite her being the other gender. She said, with sadness within her, “There’s nobody like a Mother. A Mother never wants to lose her child despite all the flaws that the child may have. She’ll accept her even after knowing the hardships that they’ll have to face. She said the Societies create more problem than family does.” I was completely in her agreement. There was a sense of dissatisfaction in her that I noticed. But she was still encouraging me to study and told me to never let anybody discourage and dominate me. Yes, these were her words, after not being able to study, because of the differences. She is encouraging me to study. Also she was telling me about the Dharma-Maa that she had. The Dharma-Maa is one who nurtures you like a Mother but she’s not your biological Mother. Hers was the head of the Hijra Community of their region. She told me how she used to let her study when it wasn’t allowed by their community to touch books. Every day she would study in a park and then bury the books under the bulky tree. This hustle was continued for a couple of years. But she was sad as she couldn’t continue her education after 8th standard. She wanted to but after that, even her Maa couldn’t support her Education. Do you feel how depressing it must be for this community to quit education?

She told me how she misses her family & her home in which she was born. She said she’s very unlucky to have been born like that otherwise she could spend her life with her family with complete right and dignity. She told me that not a day passes without her yearning for her family. She misses them endlessly. I could just feel her, I tried to console her a bit. I really hope that nobody suffers from this pain yet want that everybody feels this pain, only then, we can all be empathic with the less-fortunate.

She kept on telling me how she envies us all because we have a family to live with. People have a spouse and children. She was sad that she can never get all this. We get to hang-out with our friends and family. We get to go out anywhere with complete liberty without being eyed but if Hijras are roaming around, they are being eyed and judged.

What next? We talked some more about Love. She complimented me and said – “you’re very pretty, you must have an ardent lover.” I said no promptly. Because of the conflicts in my love life, I wanted to evade this subject called LOVE. I did have a boyfriend but we had been going through some tough times and we were not able to get along lately so I decided to continue only as friends. Obviously I didn’t explain my complicated love to her. I simply said— “I do have someone who loves me but I don’t love him”. It must be mere coincidence that she cut me and said— “No, you’re lying, you love him”. I was amazed because the truth I was hiding, she understood or maybe it was a mere chance she said so. I told her about how self-sufficient I was and I needed nobody to be with me. She was almost in tears when I said that.

She expressed her desire of true love in her life, her wants to be with someone who would accept her in the way Lord has created her and love her. She needed someone to listen to her problems, to talk about absolutely nothing, to care for her choices, someone who would be there for her, someone who would love to kiss her, someone who would fight for her, who would respect her, someone she would love to care about. I was nodding with her words & said—“Just the feeling that someone is there for you is the best feeling in the world.” We both could relate. Listening to this, we both had our eyes wet. She simply asked me to love him back if the relationship is worth it as Love is a very beautiful feeling. I nodded.

She was so distressed. Her only wish was to be one amongst us, only if she were born as a man or a woman. She wishes that could happen. “I’m not happy with this life of begging. Where we are not involved in any societal meets, not respected. I wish I could also study like a normal person to change the way how our community is treated,” she said. I encouraged her that she can still do it.

I was thinking of ways to console her but knowing the hardships that she has to face every day, the struggle, it was difficult for me to find words. I still tried by saying— “Don’t worry, whatever happens, happens for good, you just believe in God.” She was a bit relaxed now. The magic wasn’t in me or my words, I didn’t do much to calm her; the true magic was in just Listening. I’m glad that I just could listen to her and if not solve her problems, just lessen her mental burden.

Finally, her destination arrived, I dropped her, and we said our byes. She went, but her thoughts lingered on. I was constantly thinking about her, her struggles. I was wondering how the world can embrace them. What things should change etcetera. Total Utopianism, attainable or not. I prayed for her and the community. I also started to think about reconciling with my beloved. I was thinking on how I should make up for the things gone wrong in our relationship, how I should fill the gaps. Well, I started my efforts, it took me a while. It was hard at first, but things turned smooth as this was what we both wanted. We settled all the differences one by one and eventually our relationship turned stronger than ever. May be the problems were important to strengthen our relationship. And the realization of its importance was equally necessary.

And about her, I’m worried. Because of her being too talkative and extrovert, I felt traces of depression in her. I would be happier if my observation turns out wrong. I hope she’s well. We all should do our bit to make them feel home whenever we see them. Just a mild smile would do, I really request people to not look this community with an evil eye. They’re just as humans as we are. They’re God’s creation as we are, only a bit different.

P.S. Next time you see one of them, Do them a Favor— JUST SMILE  (^_^)

 

 

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Isn’t Love a Universe in its own?

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Do the galaxies, black holes really exist in space or are these imaginations of a hopeless lover? Maybe the universe is just a thought, the darkness and the shine a lie but a beautiful idea inspired from our living, our world is a universe in itself.

Everyone is like a planet; We all have our Moons but just one Sun. Our life, just like the planets, revolves around that one person who is our Sun, our reason of being. The Sun makes everything worth it.

The gravity of a Black hole is no way near the attraction of two lovers. Closing your eyes while them in your arm takes you to the darkest yet ‘Brightest’ galaxy. The galaxy that promises to keep one safe, far from any insecurity or vulnerability. The feeling of loving and being loved is so fulfilling, satisfying and calming.

The kind of attraction that can be seen in many juxtaposing forms. Sometimes, in the form of teenager’s first love- beautiful, rebellious, immature. The type that keeps them busy with each other all the time undistracted and unaffected by the world. Or Sometimes, an Adult’s Love- the Labyrinth love, that is fussy, clandestine, complicated yet a relaxing spa to the partners indeed. The love that enlivens the chaos-struck adults worried and burdened by their everyday lives.

Isn’t Love a Universe in its own?

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Her Bangles, a symbol of love or Colorful Handcuffs

qqbanglesBangles, colorful, tinted, with the magical tinkling sounds they produce. Who doesn’t love bangles? I know, almost we all do. How beautifully they adorn hands of a woman. Bangles are more than just an ornament in our culture. It’s a married woman’s pride, worn in her husband’s name. Husbands love the sounds, don’t they?

How romantic is the sight of a husband buying colorful bangles for his wife and adorning her hands by slipping the hues into her hands. Bangles are a sign of the love they share, the bond, the relationship they have nurtured.

But everything is transient, what if the wife loses her husband. She becomes a widow. Only a spouse knows how it feels to lose someone they’ve been living with for years, how it must feel to lose their addiction, their drug, their habit all at once. The Happy-Drug that was there for them every day ever since their matrimony, to listen to them, to help them in chores, to make love to them is forever gone. Every relationship is different but the degree of attachment is the same. They were attached to each other in everything. They couldn’t imagine their lives without the other and now one is alone. Only the Memories last. The loss is irreparable, unacceptable. The sympathetic family is there to try to condole her, shaken, they try their best to help her.

Losing someone physically is one thing, forgetting altogether is another!

The bangles that were the sign of her love, now a memory of her love are suddenly a bug in everybody’s eyes. The woman who’s too lost to even accept the damage is forced by the society to follow the norms made by them, norms that are too far from normalcy, totally inhumane, driven by blind believes, still existing without a single logic in them. The woman who hasn’t yet shed a tear in the grief, who is numb both physically and mentally. Rather than being given condolences and consoling, everybody eyes her colorful saree and the hues in her hands, and without a second thought break her bangles by forcefully grabbing her both hands and hit them together. BAM! *Bangles break*

It’s done to the woman who is still unconscious of what is happening around. Some broken pieces even pierce her hand and it bleeds. But few drops of blood can’t draw her attention when all her mind is focused on the want to have her husband back again.

Why did they do it? Could breaking her bangles make her forget her half-soul? Could it in anyway calm her? No, so why should they do it.

What if the woman doesn’t want to remove her colorful sarees and the bangles? And why should she want the otherwise? The sarees and the bangles are the last symbol of their memories. Yes, these little things have in them the part of their love’s soul, the things that were with them when they’re making memories in their lives, when they’re living together. The adorable Red Sarees that her husband gifted her and absolutely loved, and couldn’t keep her eyes off when she would wear them, the bangles in her hand, the tinkling of which always made him a little more in love with her than the last moment. How can she abandon them when they’ve in them her husband’s soul?

Also, she has been wearing them since their marriage, it has somehow become her identity. She wants to wear them. But after losing her spouse, everybody has their own thing to tell her, to shut her up, to impose something on her. They don’t allow her to wear anything colorful, and all her ornaments are snatched. The idea of love and relationship is not anywhere near to the concept that society is trying to indicate.

So only a married woman has the right to dress up, adorn beautiful sarees, bangles, and ornaments. Why can’t a widow still wear them when she wants to? So are these Bangles, a symbol of love or Colorful Handcuffs?

Yes, these are colorful handcuffs that help the society to classify a woman as sold or unsold property. The bangles that she wore thinking a symbol of her love were just in his name not their love. Because had they been a symbol of love, no one would force her to remove them after losing the spouse.

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Who’s a Bitch?

Who’s a Bitch?
Any women who has the liberty to take a decision,
Who can speak out for herself,
Who is opinionated,
Who can take a stand,
Who has the right to be with someone while hoping to find her Mr. Compatible Life partner,

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Who has goals & gives them priority over others,
Who has a broad-mind & likewise broad-minded friends irrespective of their sex or their sexual orientation or color etc.
Who has her Me-Time, who does not let anybody take that from her. It’s her power, she’s the queen of that world in those moments.
Be the #Bitch.

 

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I weave my thoughts & me

pexels-photo-185939You talk on phone every night,
While sharing the bed with me,
It was my right to be your 3 AM Friend,
My right to know how your day went,
My right to know how things were,
My right to know what you’ve felt.
We kiss in the morning before you leave,
I spend the day trying to weave,
My thoughts & me,

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I’m the one you kissed at the altar,
The one you swore to love forever.
Now I see your love sparing apart,
It’s just a burden that you’re carrying far.
You left my heart broken down,
Treated my feelings like a clown.
You doubt my love if I confront,
& leave the room shouting loud

Are we going to stay together?
Or I’ll be alone,
Because I don’t have someone on the phone.
For me, it was just you,
You’re my always & forever.
I feel so low of me, shattered & stressed
To you, how do I express?
My love for you will always be the same,
But my trust in love is falling apart.
We see each other in eyes,
You look more boldly than I,
I tried to find shame in your eyes,
I couldn’t, you’re too arrogant for that
For you, my dark circles matter more,
Because you’ve forgotten to see through my soul.
You never asked me how I got these,
Ask yourself, you’ll know it’s you & she.
I laugh at the whole thing
With a tear in my eyes,
I say I don’t care, but I do
& I don’t know, what to do
My friends ask me about our conjugal life,
I’ve a doubt if you still consider me your wife,
I have to fake things up &
Make new stories
I don’t want them to feel sorry
I don’t even want you to feel sorry
I want you to be what you were
I still have the power to forget,
& carry on like we were.
I want to leave you the next morning every night,
But your kiss makes me feel everything is just right
I wait for you all day,
Thinking tonight will be different
& then I wait for you all night,
While you’re busy with her.
Or some nights that you come home,
You’re too stressed & irritated from work & me
Every time I smell her cologne on your clothes,
I want to question you, but I don’t
& Then every Night, I want to leave
But the next day, I weave my thoughts & me.